Shyness is experienced by all of us at some point in our human existence. But what is shyness? Shyness is defined as that feeling of being uncomfortable or anxious in unfamiliar social situations. For example, you might feel it when you’re at a party where you don’t know anyone. It could also be that moment when you hesitate to speak up in a group or your cheeks flush when someone pays you a compliment.

Whether you consider yourself shy or know someone who does, remember that it's not an uncommon experience for others, too. There are various strategies and techniques that can help anyone become more comfortable in social situations.

Strategies to Overcome Shyness

Here are steps you can take to overcome shyness:

1. Question Negative Thinking

• Recognize and identify negative thoughts as they arise in your mind.

• Ask yourself if there is evidence to support the thought or if it's based on assumptions and generalizations. Are these assumptions realistic or are they based on past experiences, fears, or biases?

• Test the reality of the negative thought by considering alternative perspectives or viewpoints. Are there other ways to interpret the situation that are more balanced or positive?

• Reframe the thought into a more balanced or realistic perspective. This can help you replace negative thinking patterns with more positive and constructive ones.

2. Focus on the Now

• Be aware of what you’re thinking, feeling, hearing, and seeing in yourself and your surroundings in the present moment.

• Accept the present moment; meaning, you can accept that you’re feeling shy at the moment, without labeling it as good or bad, right or wrong—no judgments.

• Fully immerse yourself in the experience you are having. So, if you’re at a social gathering, be there! If someone talks to you, let the conversation flow.

• If you’ve had a bad experience in the past, let it go. Focus on what you can control in the present—you can control how you interact with people at a social gathering, for example.

3. Gradual Exposure

• Identify specific situations, interactions, or environments that trigger shyness or anxiety. These can range from speaking in public, meeting new people, or even making phone calls.

• Once the fears are identified, organize them into a fear hierarchy or a list ranked from least to most anxiety-provoking.

• Face the least anxiety-provoking situation or fear from your hierarchy or list.

• Try role-playing, visualization, or actual exposure to the feared situation.

• Stay in the situation that makes you shy long enough for your anxiety to decrease naturally. This helps tell your brain that your fears are often unfounded or exaggerated.

• Move on to the next, slightly more anxiety-provoking situation on your fear hierarchy. Repeat this process until all fears on the hierarchy are addressed.

• Throughout the process, make sure you have positive reinforcement and encouragement to help build confidence and reduce avoidance behaviors.

4. Focus on Others

• When you focus on others, you can practice active listening and empathy. This means truly listening to what they are saying, understanding their perspective, and responding thoughtfully.

• Approach interactions with curiosity. Ask questions about the other person's interests, experiences, and opinions.

• Offer help or assistance to others. This can be a great way to shift the focus away from your own insecurities.

• Engage in shared activities or hobbies with others and connect without the pressure of constant conversation. This could be anything from playing a sport, cooking together, or working on a project.

• Remind yourself that everyone has insecurities and that it's okay to feel shy or nervous sometimes.

• Like any skill, overcoming shyness takes practice. Start by challenging yourself to engage in small talk with someone new or to initiate a conversation with a colleague or classmate.

5. Set Realistic Goals

• Clearly define what you want to achieve. For example, a clear goal could be to “start a conversation with one new person at a social event” instead of a broad goal like “be less shy”.

• Ensure the goal is something you can realistically accomplish. If you're very shy, aiming to give a public speech to a large audience is not a realistic goal. Start with smaller steps like joining a group discussion.

• Create goals that you can track. For example, set a goal to attend at least one social event a month or talk to one stranger per week.

• Start with easier tasks and gradually increase the difficulty as you become more comfortable.

• Regularly evaluate your progress. If a particular approach or goal isn’t working, don’t hesitate to adjust it.

• Recognize and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small.

6. Use Visualization

• Visualize yourself in social situations where you're confident and at ease. This can help to boost your self-confidence.

• Visualization can help you confront and overcome shyness in a controlled, imaginary setting. As you visualize handling social situations calmly and effectively, you can reduce the fear associated with them.

7. Seek Support

• A therapist or counselor can provide strategies and techniques to help manage shyness.

• Join a support group where you can have a safe and understanding environment to share experiences, learn coping strategies, and gain support from others who are going through similar experiences.

• Get involved in social skills training.